The Bachelorette Finale / After the Final Rose Season 20 Episode 9
Editor’s Rating 3 stars ***
If you will recall, last week I ranted about how much I hate the Men Tell All episodes for lots of reasons that were very smart … and also very funny. (This is a reference for the seven other people who love both The Bachelor franchise and underappreciated IFC sketch shows from the mid-2010s.) But there is one reason I neglected to mention: We lose all momentum before the finale. I can’t remember things that happened this morning, I’m expected to keep whatever’s going on with someone named Aaron in my brain for two weeks? (That’s two references for the comedy nerds.) You might think that, given my vitriol for the Men Tell All, I’d have a similar stance toward After the Final Rose, but I actually don’t mind it. My biggest complaint is that the bloated three-hour show makes me stay up past my bedtime. You simply cannot have the same runtime as Oppenheimer without even showing me Florence Pugh’s boobs.
We get a lot of Bachelor Nation housekeeping out of the way here, which is helpful for an ancient hag like me who is largely unaware of the conversations happening on social media. Jesse comes out and tells us that we’re getting “one of the most heartbreaking finales in Bachelorette history.” That’s a lie, of course, but it’s the kind of optimistic lie that is comforting in its familiarity, like, “We’re not gonna talk politics at Thanksgiving this year.” Joe and Serena are here to remind us that they’re about to have a wedding sponsored by Maybelline Fit Me. Brayden is here, sitting next to Rachel Recchia. (GET A JOB. STAY AWAY FROM HER, etc.) Gabby Windey brought new girlfriend Robby Hoffman as her plus one. I usually don’t like those audience reaction shots they put in a little box in the corner, but I would kill for a Robby cam running the whole time. Hell, mic her up. Jesse also announces that we’ll meet our new Bachelor tonight (obviously) and that somebody sitting here in our studio audience will be dating him next season, but she doesn’t know it yet. This is an extremely stupid gimmick, and I kind of love it in theory if not in practice. Let’s get stupid!
Speaking of stupid things, we open on Aaron still pacing the Fijian sand and Charity still unsure what to do about him. She’s so stressed about it she’s burping like she’s the Robert Durst of heartbreak. She says, “Excuse me, I’m having acid reflux.” I’ve literally never related to a Bachelorette until this exact moment. Charity goes to have a conversation with Aaron where he talks about how “highly” he thinks of her. He says that she “always rose to the occasion.” This language really rubs me the wrong way. It sounds like a job interview, not a passionate plea to take him back. I don’t want my future spouse to impress me; I want to discover the weird goblin that lives in the deepest part of their soul and introduce it to my soul goblin. Also, I think saying that he’s gonna try not to cry is a bad move. Charity likes a softie who will feel his feelings! I missed the moment when she said he could stay because I had to coordinate some boring scheduling logistics with my husband, but I tuned back in on Charity suggesting a “hard reset,” which is a very romantic thing to say to someone you could soon be getting engaged to. This whole storyline is pointless. It seems like Aaron is only here to freak out Dotun and Joey when he shows up to the rose ceremony. You know what? I’m fine with that. Keep these gentlemen on their toes. Poor Dotun is POURING sweat. It is clearly sweltering in Fiji. The one (1) thing that is harder for men than women is dressing for formal occasions when it’s hot out, which is only going to get worse. This is what those T-shirts meant by The Future Is Female. Obviously, Charity sends Aaron home. When she’s breaking up with him, Aaron says, “I’m always in your corner.” My dude, you are not Al Silvani. She’s good! She doesn’t need you! This is another example of the way he talks about her like he views dating as a very intensive interview for the position of Aaron’s wife. I can’t wait to see who submitted the best cover letter on his Bachelor in Paradise run. (Jesse brings him out for a little couch segment that is nominally about his feelings but is actually to announce he’ll be on BiP.) Charity returns and explains this little Aaron detour as an indication she’ll always be present in her relationship(s) and give it 100 percent. That’s some C.J. Cregg–caliber spin right there.
After Aaron is sent off to the loving arms of Wells Adams, Charity’s family arrives, and she gets to inform them that she’s in love with two people and she wants their help deciding who to choose. They meet Joey first and immediately fall in love with him. He gives all the right answers to their questions about shared values. (Much like the Fast & Furious franchise, the correct answer on this show is always just “family.”) He even gently ribs Charity’s dad about football, which is probably on the first page of Future Son-in-Law for Dummies. It’s a home run for Joey with the Lawsons. Before we see Dotun meet the family, we cut back to the After the Final Rose studio where Jesse reminds us that one of the women here just might date the next Bachelor … and she doesn’t even know it yet! This is an extremely goofy gimmick. Like, they were obviously told they might be on the show because the first woman he interviews is dressed for Bachelor Mansion and has a self-deprecating spiel about the shallow Hawaiian dating pool all ready to go. I’m okay with goofy. This show could stand to be goofier! But I should at least buy into the premise of the bit. Dotun shows up with an armful of gifts, but it’s not enough to sway the Lawsons who were so smitten with Joey. (Also, THIS MACRAME TANK TOP!!! Charity’s style is so on point this season.) I think Dotun fucked up a little when he talked about how much he sacrificed at work to be here. He wanted it to come across as a testament to how strong their connection is, but it just sounded like he thinks too much about work. This is supposed to be a fantasy, and you’re conjuring images of spreadsheets. But the real problem with Dotun for Charity’s mom, Vickie, is that he reminds her of men Charity has dated in the past. Interesting. Charity was nervous about Xavier being too much like her ex, and Dotun and Xavier don’t seem that similar to me, vibes-wise. It’s funny how the people closest to us can see things so differently. After Dotun leaves, Charity basically asks her family to tell her who to choose. Her sister says, “Joey makes you glow,” but doesn’t go so far as to tell her to pick him. Charity gets increasingly frustrated with her family as they continue to insist that this decision is hers alone. This conversation is fascinating because they’re also talking about the show without actually talking about the show. Charity says her mom is usually so direct, but she’s not being direct with her right now. Vickie says, “I am being direct.” It’s in this moment that I see where Charity got her sharp emotional perception and linguistic precision. (Also her adorable smile.) Vickie says, “I can’t put words out there because I need to be responsible for those words.” Translation: I’m not going to trash someone on TV who might be my future son-in-law. Charity heads to her final date with Joey, still upset about the conversation with her family. She is able to rally, though, and has a sweet evening with him reminiscing about their time together. He framed the bad impromptu poem from their New Orleans date, and they read it to each other as we flash back to them reading it in NOLA. I was pretty impressed that they could remember every word. Well, almost every word. They both missed that line that goes, “Joey, you make my heart feel underwear…”