THE festive season can be full of joy, fun and laughter.
But for those who have lost a loved-one and are facing the first Christmas without them, it can be daunting.
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Grief Coach Lisa Hague, 38, married to former Celtic star Kris Commons, lost her daughter Lola in 2008 when she was stillborn.
Now she works with people who are struggling with grief, running retreats and counselling sessions.
And today she gives her advice for tackling the Christmas season.
CHRISTMAS time is here with only a week left until the “big day”.
Being a Grief Coach, I have come to realise that it’s not the most wonderful time of the year for a lot of people, in fact it can be quite the opposite.
It can be incredibly sad and triggering, with many just wishing it over as quickly as possible.
Whether that’s because it’s a Christmas that should have been different with the expected arrival of a new baby or the loss of a loved-one, a big change in life means traditions have been broken.
It’s hard to escape the festivities at this time of year as it is constantly being rammed in our faces. Aisles in the supermarkets packed with gifts, seasonal songs on the radio, houses decorated with twinkling, people exchanging cards wishing you a very merry Christmas – it can all seem like a slap in the face and like there’s nowhere to escape it.
I would like to offer some guidance on getting through this time of year if you’re suffering from grief.
Firstly, if any of your commitments start with “I should” then have a re-think about whether you need to go. If it’s a gathering or party that you actually want to go to, go – but make sure you have an exit plan. Being able to leave when you want to can make the occasion feel less intense.
If you drink alcohol be mindful of how many drinks you’re having. Alcohol heightens whatever mood that you’re in and very often grief and alcohol do not mix very well.
Communicate with friends and family about what your needs are – they’re not mind readers and supporting someone who is grieving can be daunting.
If going out with couples after the loss of your partner is difficult, then be honest. If going to a children’s nativity or Christmas party is too much for you then bring this up.
Sometimes we distance ourselves from friends and family because the rituals that we created are just too painful now, if we can express this then new memories can be made and that’s a very healthy part of moving forward with your grief.
Lighting a candle, saying a prayer or raising a glass at the dinner table are lovely ideas to honour the person who has died. Having a part of the day over Christmas to think of your loved-one can be very beneficial in letting yourself be present and in the moment.
Going to the graveside on Christmas day comes up a lot in therapy sessions and, again, if the client starts that sentence with “I should” then it’s worth exploring further.
I can tell you that you don’t need to go to the graveside on Christmas day in order to show your love for that person. So many people feel they should go so that they are not judged by others or that they would feel guilty if they didn’t.
There is no right and wrong for how you honour your lost loved-one on Christmas day and for some it can feel very healing to visit their grave. For others sitting inside with a cup of tea spending some time thinking of the person is just as comforting.
One client said to me this week that she thinks of her parents, who have both now passed away, while she’s washing the dishes on Christmas day.
It’s a chore she prefers to do on her own and she often talks to them out loud, telling them about the day their granddaughter has had. She says after a good greet she’s ready for the evening part of Christmas.
I thought, what a great way she had found to do some controlled grieving on a day that can feel particularly overwhelming.
You do deserve to be happy and enjoy the Christmas period as much as you can.
But if you do find it all too much, remember there are people you can speak to. The Samaritans are open 24/7 and volunteers are ready to support you.
- For more information on Lisa’s Grief Retreats, log onto hagueretreats.wordpress.com or contact via Instagram athague_griefcoach. And for support from The Samaritans call free any time, from any phone, on 116 123