Ranking human beings by their perceived attractiveness; is it demure, mindful, or even remotely elegant? Perhaps not. Is it literally the foundation upon which Facebook (and, relatedly, the gradual unraveling of our democracy) was built? Sort of! But I defy you to sit through Season 4 of Emily in Paris—which came out on Netflix earlier this month—and not come up with a scoring system of your own.
I would never stoop so far as to rank women or nonbinary people based on sex appeal, but when you consider that most of the world is still set up to cater to rich, handsome, symmetrically featured cishet men, I feel a little less bad about doing it now. So, without further ado, I present to you a definitive ranking of all of the titular Emily’s possible boyfriends, ranked in reverse order of how much I (a bisexual woman with impeccable taste, it should be said) want to kiss them.To quote Emily herself: “It’s Paris!!!”
5. Timothée (Victor Meutelet)
Photo: Marie Etchegoyen/Netflix
Yes, Emily only slept with him once, in Season 1, but for some reason he’s still around. Girl, learn from Lorde’s infamous warning about “ru[ing] the day you kissed a writer in the dark” and never date (or even kiss) a vlogger!