I realised I was digging my own grave when I reached the same size mum was when we buried her – now I’m 6st lighter

FROM a very young age, Hollie Alabaster admits she had a problem with food, secretly eating chocolate and other sweet treats whenever she felt down.

But when her eating led her to a dress size 22, she panicked, having buried her mum in the same sized clothing.

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She struggled with her weight in the five years since her mum’s death and by the age of 30, knew something needed to change.

“I was digging my own early grave with a knife and fork, and nobody could sort this except me,” she says.

A mum herself, brave Hollie finally took the plunge to lose weight in June 2022.

In less than a year she lost six stone, going from 15st 10lbs (size 20-22) to 9st 10lbs (size 10-12). 

Hollie, 32, from Sandbach in Cheshire, said: “I had to choose the clothes mum would wear to get cremated in, and opted for the outfit she’d worn at my graduation, when she’d seemed to be so happy, so proud. 

“Seeing the labels in those clothes that she’d ballooned up to size 22, I had a vision then of what I might become if I wasn’t careful – but unlike mum, I knew I had a choice.”

Hollie says she has been chubby for “as long as I can remember”.

“I guess I’ve always had issues with food, my comfort blanket when things were tough,” she said.

“My parents separated when I was four, and my mum, Judy, would send me special secret food packages whenever I went to stay with dad, which made me feel happy – and from then I always associated secret eating with love and comfort. 

“Mum and I were very close, almost best friends, and after I left university, I became one of mum’s carers when she fell ill with an autoimmune disorder called Behçet’s Syndrome.”

Behçet’s syndrome results in inflammation of the blood vessels and tissues, causing a multitude of symptoms and potentially life-threatening problems.

Hollie says: “Her health became so bad that she piled on so much weight, suffering two strokes and eventually passing in November 2013, with obesity cited on her death certificate as a secondary cause of death. 

“She was only 50, and it ripped a hole in my heart to lose her so young.”

Slowly piling it on

Hollie, who says she wasn’t overweight at the time and weighed 9st 7lbs, didn’t process her grief and “threw herself into life”.

She met her now husband, Rob, while both working in a supermarket, and retrained as a teacher.

She said: “I put on a bit of weight, but after our daughter Freya was born in 2017, things started to go very wrong.

“I was a mum without a mum, and suffering terrible moods, finally four months later I was diagnosed with postnatal depression – but by then I was self-medicating with food, heavier than when I was pregnant.

“I then started secret eating again – Rob worked nightshifts, and when Freya was at nursery and I was home alone, I’d gorge on chocolate. 

“Rob once noticed the wrappers, but I easily dismissed them as Freya’s. 

“Along with regular massive Domino’s takeaways, creamy lattes and sugary teas, and endless secret chocolate hits, soon my clothes didn’t fit. 

“I knew I had a problem, but I decided to bury my head in the sand and ignore it.”

In the run-up to her 30th birthday in June 2021, Hollie ordered a size-20 red blazer dress for a meal out with friends.

“I [ordered it] thinking it would be nice and loose on me – and it was too tight!” Hollie says. 

“I was literally the same size as mum had been when she died. With obesity being a contributing factor to her death, history was repeating itself.

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“My mum hadn’t seen me get married, she’d never seen Freya, and I thought I was going to do the same to our daughter. 

“The feelings of guilt were simply crushing, this wasn’t just my life I was jeopardising through greed, it was hers too.

“Panicking, I then looked into life insurance, but saw the headline quote of £3 a month for someone my age spiralled up to £50 because of my weight. 

“I realised I wouldn’t be able to provide for Freya after I was gone, and knew then I had to change.”

Finding the solution

Hollie had tried various diets that counted calories or points, but it was a video on Instagram that caught her eye, of a woman’s “mind-blowing transformation” using the 1:1 diet by Cambridge Weight Plan. 

She said: “I contacted the consultant, a woman called Rachel Walkingshaw-McGuinness, whose life seemed to mirror mine – she’d suffered postnatal depression, she’d lost her mum at an early age, she also had a little girl who motivated her to lose weight. I knew I’d struck gold.

“On June 22 last year, I started my online consultations with Rachel and overnight moved to four meal replacement packs a day, totalling just 800 calories. 

“It was incredibly hard, but by then I recognised my comfort eating as an addiction, and I had to stay strong. 

“I didn’t wobble once, not one cheat moment, nothing. I’d make Freya her tea separately, but she knew mummy was trying to ‘be healthy’, while Rob supported me fully.”

Hollie says she lost a stone in the first month, then a dress size every month following.

She said: “By this February I hit 9st 10lbs. I remember calling Rachel with the news, crying my eyes out that the ‘old Hollie’ was back! 

“I’d lost myself before in grief and motherhood, and I’d returned a happier, stronger, healthier me. I’d changed my family tree, and suddenly had a future I’d thought would never happen.”

Hollie, who also lost weight by going for walks and sometimes runs with Freya, started on shakes totalling 800 calories but introduced nutritious food back into her diet.

This year Hollie beat thousands of others to win the 1:1 Diet Award alongside Rachel, which she said was “mind blowing”, and has since trained as a weight loss consultant herself.

Hollie says: “I’m back in the gym for the first time in what feels like forever, I’m wearing shorts, running most days with Freya. I honestly have to pinch myself that this is real.”

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